Its really sad and unfortunate when you build trust in someone and they completely let you down.

I have been seeing a midwifery practice in town from the beginning of my pregnancy and i have to say that my very first impression was not great. That’s my first bit of advice to people- go with your gut and don’t doubt those feelings of uncertainty, weigh your options before you commit. So anyways, i gave them a chance and actually grew to like a couple of the midwives alot. Things seemed to be going ok besides the fact that from the beginning i had brought to their attention an issue that was going on with me that had been causing me pain and discomfort. They constantly wrote it off as just a symptom of pregnancy and told me that my body was changing and to relax. It got to the point that i called one of them in tears because of the pain and was told that i was overreacting and needed to let it go basically. By my 26th week of pregnancy i started having some bleeding and decided enough was enough. I called them and said we have to do something, i know this isn’t normal and they were quick to say “oh yes! , we should see you right away! its sounds like this could be a bacterial infection and if so should be treated with antibiotics because without treatment it can lead to pre-term labor!” I was furious because i had been telling them from the get go that something was wrong, but i let it go because i was glad that atleast something was finally going to get done about it. I went in for the exam which was a horrible experience, i will spare you some of the detail but lets just say she was not gentle in the least. She was completely unprepared and couldn’t find the swabs that she needed so she left me flat on my back (at 26 wks pregnant) with the speculum still in and walked out of the room to call another midwife and search for the things she needed. I was on my back for quite a while and began to get dizzy, nauseous and broke into a cold sweat. I knew i needed to get off my back and roll to my side to get some air but couldnt move because of the speculum so i called for the midwife and told her i wasnt feeling well and that i felt i was going to pass out. Instead of the obvious reason of pressure on the vena cava, she asked me if i was “prone to panic attacks” or if i “suffered from anxiety”. This whole experience blew my mind. But i did find out in the end that i had a pretty bad bacterial infection that could have been treated a long time ago. They gave me antibiotics and everything was perfect after that, but really! Why the hell did i have to go through all of that? Why did they not do their jobs? After this experience i had bi weekly appointments and at almost every appointment was questioned about my “anxiety”. Eventually i was questioned to the point of tears and was told things like “your lack of confidence and worrisome attitude makes me wonder how you are going to handle childbirth” and assumptions about mine and my husbands age or our financial stability. She even said “I may be wrong here but as i recall this was an unwanted pregnancy right?” WHO SAYS THAT! NO! i planned this with my loving husband and we are happy about being parents and meeting our baby. Either way that was unprofessional and completely uncalled for. It was like she was searching for the “deep rooted problem” that lead to my “anxiety” that they had created in the first place! I was told flat out that i ask far to many questions for it to be normal and that something had to be wrong with me basically and it was beyond the worries of a first time mother, which i know was not true and even if i did ask a lot of questions, isn’t that their jobs as midwifes to support me and answer any question that i have? The final cherry on top was when she looked at my husband and said “you know, you are such a good partner. Its rare to see a husband show up for every prenatal appointment and be so supportive of his wife but you wouldn’t say shit if you had a mouth full of it would you?” I couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth. We were both shocked at the lack of care, professionalism and pretty much everything we had just listened to her say. All of this at my 36th week of pregnancy and she says to us “you both should really consider whether we are the right care provider for you or not”. Really? there is no question that you are far from the right care provider, but really, you are doing this to me at the very end of my pregnancy? There are no words for all the things i was feeling at that moment. I left in tears with no plans of returning and no idea what i was going to do.

We figured it out though. We found the most amazing CPM (certified professional midwife) whom my friend just delivered with and after sharing my story with her it was like a weight lifted. She really came in and did the job that my old midwives should have done from the beginning. She is a home birth midwife so we are excited to announce that we will be attempting a home birth but in the case of any emergency we are well prepared to transfer to the hospital. Its been a blessing talking with her and venting and really just having someone take care of me and allowing me to share my worries and fears without judgement. Its refreshing to work with someone who genuinely loves what they do and wants only the best for our family whatever we choose to do or how we choose to do it. We even talked about “coping” techniques today. Just different ways that she, my doula and my husband can support me during labor. We came up with some great ideas like- in early labor making some food together and preparing for the labor as it progresses, things to distract me like baking a birthday cake or working on little projects for the baby that I’ve started, playing board games and watching movies (Harry Potter to be exact lol) and really just anything to distract me and sort of make light of it so it doesn’t feel like some dark, doomed thing that will never end. Shes bringing an amazing home spa birthing tub that im super excited about and she suggested maybe putting together an alter with things that encourage and empower me on it, like the vision board Greg and i have been working on. The more we talked today, the better i felt about birth. I feel scared of course but im so excited because at the end of it all i will meet my son and if i can try to have fun on the way then that’s even better.


I will say that as soon as im healed and feeling better after the birth i am taking my story to someone who can take care of that midwife practice the way that they deserve. It was not just me who endured their insanity. I have spoken to many people over the past couple of weeks who have had or know someone who had similar issues with them. Even my current midwife said that she knows some families who went through some crazy things. So im going to try to get together with those people and get our voices heard. No one deserves that kind of treatment, especially from a care provider handling pregnancy and birth.

that is the end of my rant and the last i will speak of the situation for the rest of my pregnancy. Only positive things about birth from here on out 🙂